Sometimes we are unsure what someone’s intent is or what is going on for them. We don’t trust them because we don’t know what is going on. This reminds me of a time when I was working with a woman we will call Tabitha. Tabitha just seemed to resist anything I suggested. During meetings, she would all but pout. Her attitude brought the energy of the meetings way down and it was a complete and utter distraction to me. I started thinking she was talking about me to the other members of the team and to our boss. I assumed she was against me. Every email that she sent seemed to be a slam or at the very least a jab at my abilities or my ability to lead the team. I could feel her anxiety when we met and I really started to dislike her. Because of this, I found every excuse not to work with her.
What Is The Big Deal If There Is No Trust?
- I was wasting too much emotional time and energy focusing on trying to figure out what was wrong with the other person.
- Instead of leading the group from a place of confidence, I was leading from a place of questioning.
- Work was not being completed efficiently because I wasn’t willing to share anything more then I had to with Tabitha. Unfortunately the project needed her input and her buy-in. I wasn’t getting either.
- We can’t hide feelings of distrust. Even though I didn’t say anything to people about what I was feeling, I am sure that negative energy was coming through loud and clear. Other people’s intuition was likely picking up that something was off – they just couldn’t name what the something was. Several other team members thought I had a problem with their work.
All I could think was – this is snowballing!
So what do you do? Here is how I handled the situation:
- Vent: I vented to someone to get it off my chest. I picked a friend who was not in the company. She happened to live far away so there was no chance of starting a rumor about this person. I told her I just needed to complain for a bit then I jumped in. (Limit your time on this… 5 minutes should cover it)
- Why am I so mad? I identified what values of mine were being stepped on. In this case, it was respecting what others bring to the table, including everyone, being a team player and staying positive.
- Why are they acting that way? I tried to think about what might be going on for her. Perhaps her values of stability, flexibility or autonomy were being stepped on.
- Be Vulnerable: We had an honest conversation. I picked a time when things weren’t heated. We stepped out for coffee. I basically said that I felt like there was resistance from her and I was curious about what might be going on? I let her know that when she seemed flustered or disengaged in the meetings, it made me wonder if we were on the right path. That I felt like I wasn’t showing up as effectively as I could because of what I was picking up. I asked if there was a better way we could work together?
After venting, identifying values and opening up (showing her what was going on for me) I found out she was struggling. She was struggling not with me but with what her position was and what it was going to be. She wasn’t sure she was needed and felt like she was being left behind. Wow, it really wasn’t about me! (And most of the time it’s not about you!) It was her issues that I was projecting on me. Now armed with a better understanding of what was happening, I had more compassion for Tabitha. I also knew how to better work and approach her. My confidence came back in the meetings because I wasn’t taking anything personally. It’s amazing what can be accomplished just by talking and checking in on your perceptions. From that point on I felt a trust with Tabitha I hadn’t in the past. We still had a lot of work to do to become comfortable but certainly our conversation and ability to be open led the way.
I am curious about a time when you turned around a difficult relationship at work. What steps did you take to make it happen?