What seems like a simple act can sometimes feel so unnatural. Giving feedback is a primary role of a manager. Furthermore, I think it is a primary role of a good human being. Yet, we all struggle with some simple questions: Should I give the feedback? Will I hurt the other person? Will I loose a partner or a friend in the process? The answers, respectively, are Sometimes, no and you shouldn’t. Notice that all these question include the word “I”. Who is the feedback about anyway?
Consider the following situation: You have a peer who has some behaviors or results that you believe is limiting their success (or to be more blunt, is really having a negative effect on your team). You witness your associate being defensive, sometimes even belligerent. You know others are annoyed, and people just avoid them. It is effecting performance and effecting the culture of the team. Your left brain is screaming- “TELL THEM”. Your right brain is whispering- “you’ll hurt their feelings”. Left – It’s not my job. Right – but I care about them…and this internal dialog continues over months, and the problem gets worse. If we look into the future, maybe years to come, the result is negative results, a team in turmoil, and ultimately your friend quits or is fired. All could be avoided.
Should I give them feedback, and if not me, who? The answer to this questions depends on a couple of things. If you and your associate have a good relationship, and there is trust between you, it is appropriate for you to approach them. In that initial approach, you want to make sure you have their permission. Advice and feedback are nothing if the receiver of the information does not ask for it. You might come right out and ask if they “…would like feedback about this situation”. If they are not ready for it, they will say no. It is my experience that if I gage my relationship correctly with someone, they always say yes. You should be tactful and direct. You can use the sandwich technique if that makes you more comfortable, or you can stage your feedback as just a perspective that may be inaccurate (which it might be). If you think about it, we like to have feedback from someone we perceive cares about us. Therefore, if the feedback comes from that perspective, and your delivery is authentic, you will be successful. The opening for this feedback is always available. Usually, a person struggling with issues will form their issues as complaints about others or the situation. “I hate my job”, my boss is a ____”, “and did you hear what they said?” This is you queue to grab a coffee or just have a talk. If you don’t have a good relationship, but you’re the boss, I challenge you to think about why you don’t have a good relationship with your employee. Perhaps you should, and that may be the problem. Just keep in mind, if your relationship is not good, they don’t want your advice. If you’re the boss, this might be the opportunity for you to begin a more productive relationship with your team.
Will I hurt the other person? The short answer is no. Yes, you may upset them for a moment, or more, but in the long run you are doing them the greatest of favors. The worst behavior problems can be traced directly back to enabling people to be the way they are. For example, if the boss yells, he does it because he gets away with it. No one ever asked him to not do that. Is there risk and asking the boss not to yell? Perhaps, but you have to choose the road you want to travel. Call it tough love if you want…but people need to know their effect on others before the behavior turns into a pathology.
Will I loose a partner or a friend in the process? Honestly, I have never regretted providing someone honest and welcomed feedback. In fact, it is not unusual for them to thank me for being honest. I had the opportunity to shadow a police office for a day, and the prisoner we were driving to jail thanked the officer. Why, because someone was caring about him is some small way. Even if your perspective is wrong, and your associate is just being misinterpreted, they should at least know. Your feedback might make all the difference in the world.
Regardless of any feedback you can give to a peer, boss or employee, nothing may change, but that’s another conversation. Also, keep in mind that anything you offer is a perspective from your window of reality, and may not even be true. However, the worse thing we can do is ignore issues that impact our mission and the health of a productive team. Use both parts of your brain to figure out what to do, be a friend and help someone out. If the issue or situation is truly beyond you, consider bringing in a coach who will create the proper forum for feedback in complex work situations.