If someone can’t do their job I might get frustrated but I am also very open to helping them learn, grow or change what they are doing. Where I get frustrated is, when someone can’t do the job and they don’t know that they can’t but they posture against me because of their deficiencies.
Now I realize it’s the first stage of learning – you don’t know what you don’t know. But when people are in positions of power and they fear that failure is just around the corner, they start to get on the offensive which naturally causes retaliation!
Situations like this bring on the fire in many of us. Here are some ways you can try to resolve them:
Connect with the Person as a Person.
Very rarely are there evil intentions. People are just trying to make it through life. They are thinking that what they are doing is good enough or they are in fear that they will be called out as a fraud. If possible, get it out of the office. Go for coffee, lunch or try to talk about other subjects besides work. Find out who they are as a person, what is important to them, what they are good at not only in their work life but their personal life. Consider what gifts they are bringing to the world and what you can learn from them.
Notice what you are doing to put them on the defensive.
Are you coming across too strong? Too weak? Or condescending? Can you match their energy, pace, body movements to help be with the person instead of being above them? What can you do before meeting with this person to center yourself in “being with them” rather then “above them”?
Have an honest conversation with the person.
Take ownership for areas where you might not have been acting like your typical self. “I am not sure why I have been treating you this way. Maybe because I felt like you weren’t listening. I don’t want to do that to you again, is it possible for us to start fresh?” “I think we are trying to both get our points across and I don’t think I was as open to what might be going on for your team, I am going to make an effort to do so going forward” or “I don’t want this to be a fight and I don’t think you do either, what can we do differently?” It may feel vulnerable, but can break down the posturing that is going on between the two of you.
Using a third party to help get your point through.
It might be that whatever is going on between you will prevent your point from coming through (personality differences, you remind them of someone who they don’t like or someone who was mean to them or too much water has already gone under the bridge). Think of other influential people and whether they might be able to help bring your message across in a more powerful way.
If you have tried all of the above and there is no movement it may be time to move on. There are sometimes when they don’t get it and they never will get it. No sense in wasting your energy and talent if it isn’t the right fit.
I am curious what you have done in these situations? What work and what would you do differently?