Leaders often have people in their office complaining about someone or another department that has offended them. It is so easy to just believe the person that is in front of you. To think that THEIR truth is THE truth. When we make decisions from this place there are often regrets. When you hear from the other “side”, it is a totally different story. Not that either person is lying – in fact they are being as honest as they can be. What one person sees, hears, feels and thinks is based on their ability to process information, manage what is coming up for them from their past and the stressors that are in their present.
As a leader you can help stop drama and confusion by doing the following:
1. Stop & Think
Do not just react to what is being said. Think of yourself as removed from the moment, almost as if you are looking down on the situation. What else could be going on? What pressures may be pushing from a process or a personality difference? What is good about this conflict? What lessons can be learned? How can this help the person in front of you to grow / get out of their comfort zone? What can you let go of or encourage in order to help them grow?
2. Consider What Are They Protecting
If you can define the values that are being honored or stepped on you will see what each person is protecting. Neither person is “right” but the core values for them might be at stake here (which causes the heat and passion to rise up).
For example: Jane went into Karen’s desk to find information for a client. Karen was through the moon angry at Jane “How dare she go through my stuff.” For Karen privacy and sacred personal space are must haves in her life. She would never go through someone else’s desk because she doesn’t feel she has the right to. For Jane, customer service is the value that must be honored above all. If the customer is in need, she is going to do whatever is needed to resolve the problem for them.
When you have an understanding of these values you can help them gain insight on what might be going on for themselves and for the other person.
3. Bring Them Together
Pull the other person or parties into the room. Have everyone talk through and problem-solve this situation in a productive way. You could say things like “It sounds like there is some confusion between you two. Let’s figure out what is really going on and what we are going to do about it.” Teach them how to work through disagreements by being the interpreter “So if I understand correctly, you are thinking abc and you are thinking xyz.” “Sounds like both of you are coming from a place of wanting to do the right thing you are just finding different way of getting there.”
Or “What is really going on here?” Also coming from the wise, objective perspective by asking questions like, “How could this work for both of you?” “What do you really need?” “What’s not happening here that needs to?” “What is the lie?” “What’s best for the greater good?” “If you were me, what would you say right now?” or “We can’t change what happened but what can we do to avoid this in the future?”
I am curious to hear how you settle the disagreements between your people and your departments? What has worked in the past and what do you want to do differently next time?